Mood:  blue

Death is a natural thing, everything has to die so that new can be born, over poputalion would be ridiculous... but why the heck does it have to be so damn hard. I mean really?  We know that it's gonna happen and yet once it does we're distraut over it, we're broken apart and spread all over the street so everyone can see all of your gooy insides. 

Today my cat died, to be honest I wasnt super close to this particular cat.  The reason we even got the cat was so that the other owners wouldnt put it out of its misery for no good reason.  How heartless anyway right?? Well anyway, this cat had been with these owners for like 10 years or some ridiculous amount of time like that and the lady got pregnant and the husband was to damn lazy to clean the litter box out so they were going to put it to sleep so the baby wasnt born with some weird defect.  Instead of letting them put this poor cat who has NO idea what was coming for him I took it.  When he got to my house he hid for the first day and a half and then came out and ate and used the bathroom and so on... we've had him maybe 2 months and in the 2 months we just thought he was shy and wasnt a people person so we let him do what he wanted.  He would watch out the window and walk around like a normal cat.  But about 3 or 4 days ago we noticed him staying in the bathroom closet for an offle long time, we just thought he liked it in there, it was his cave.  We let him go and then all of a sudden a day ago we say him laying down breathing real shallow and we tried to pick him up and he hissed and growled something offle.  We tried to feed him and water him and nothin... no bathroom, no food, no water...  He died today, bit me yesterday while I was trying to feed him and scared the hell out of me, I dont no this cat well enough to know he is safe to bite me and draw blood...  its confirmed now that my finger will be ok, I have to watch for infection tho. 

Anyway, your wondering why I told you this story.  I was a miserable wreck today, here this cat I barely no dies today and I cried like a freakin baby.  I mean talk about guts spread over the street for all to see, literally.  It was my nieces birthday and there were a crazy amount of people there and here I am painting my guts all over the floor. 

There has been 2 times that I've cried so incredibly hard I thought I was going to actually faint and that was when my grandma meiser died and when my dog june died.  All the other times, yea I cried but not like these two... And then today, crying like a baby over this 10 year old cat that got depressed and practically killed himself. 

The question still remains: Why do we let ourselves open up so much over death??  We know its gonna happen, we know it has to happen.  We know about heaven and hell and yet we let ourselves get all bent out of shape over it. 

Of course we care about the things and people that die, thats why, but most of the time you know its gonna happen, there are signs, old age or a disease... Why is the unanswered question.  Its completely innevitable.  I cry at a friends second cousins boyfriends grandma dying, or at some strangers chinchilla dying.  I open to easily...

Mood:  spacey

Ok so I remember my junior year in high school I had decided that I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I wanted to go to Africa as soon as I could get there and I wanted to help the children, teaching, adopting, giving all that I could possibly give to them, all of my life devoted to doing Gods work and helping them.   I had an opportunity to go after graduation with a company named YWAM.  I would be gone for 6 months and then be in Africa for a month.  I was so excited to do that and the only probablem was that I had to tell my parents... so one day my dad and I were outside working on the garden putting mulch down and he started asking me questions of what I wanted to do with my life, so I told him... I told him all my plans of Africa and YWAM.  He got so upset and said that my idea was ridiculous and that I needed to go to college and get a degree, he made me so upset and feel so guilty that I dropped the idea and went to college... if I could change that decision I would.   That decision changed my life completely.  I went to college and yet still have to finish it.  I hate school and everything that comes with it. 

I understand that I should never go into the land of what if's but sometimes you need to, its a type of therapy to get over something that you really wanted and maybe even figure a way out to have that again...  To this day that is still my dream, if I dont change something in my life then that dream wont ever be lived out.  Its amazing because I still believe that this is my dream, I literally dream of doin this, of going to Africa and helping the children, I just need to figure out how to make this happen. 

So, if anyone can help me, the gesture and help out be completely and irrevicably appreciated.

Ok so I uderstand I have, what is it, 3 days to make up now??  Well, I have alot to say today and will probably post again later today...

My post today is about Change and how God and life and time really changes people... for example myself. I mean wow, if you would have talked to me 5 years ago you would have been like wow, this girl is awesome.  I used to let things roll off my back so easily and I used to be so fun, but now, 5 years later, due to time and the people I've surounded my self with I am a completely different person...  At times I can be so heartless and can be so mean.  I take things very personally and get my heart broken so much more easily. 

In the past 5 years I have also lost so many of my friends that now I see was probably due to my ridiculous doing... So due to this I have decided to find 20 people that I used to hang out with and be friends with and try and reconcile our old friendship... By writing this post I have made it public, so it makes it official...

 I would also like to try and find that fun loving, careless yet caring person I used to be... thats the goal for this year.  Wish me luck and hope this works......

Mood:  not sure

I've decided to start my first post with some famous quotes that I believe tell the meaning of this life that we live....  You may not truly no a person until they start quoting famous quotes.  Some quotes give you the opportunity to look inside a person, to see their heart and their thoughts.  You learn alot about that person through what they have to say.   Throughout the life of this blog I'm certain that you, whomever you are, will learn more about me and my past as well as me as a person and my aspiring future. 

Growing up I was always told that my life story would make a famous book one day and that it could have the potential to help others.... I'lll start with this and see where it takes me. 

Alexander Smith once said, "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and  the delight in the recognition."

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman

"True love is like ghosts, which every body talks about and few have seen."
-La Rochafoucald

"Death is a challenge,  It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."
-Leo F. Buscaglia

My last quote for today is from Abraham Crowley, a truly amazing man.  He said, "A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but LOVE IN VAIN."

I apologize in advance, I'm slowly working on this blogging and trying to figure more out about it every day.  Thank you for reading.